the scale and i are no longer on speaking terms
my weightloss journey
TW: Mentions of food control, calorie deficit, body comparison photos etc.
A few days ago, I decided to skim through my old YouTube videos. Reminiscing on days that had passed and are now long gone, trying to remember specific memories that have magically boiled down to an 18-minute-long cringey vlogs. I stopped on a playlist called “Other,” filled with my videos that don’t fall under a specific category; not a vlog, not a reaction video— it’s something, that’s for sure. And one of them was me, participating in Chloe Ting’s 21-Day Challenge.
As someone who had struggled with food, body image, and everything altogether. I was curious.
I was curious to see how I’ve done, and possibly how humiliating it probably was. Of course, in true Urie-style, I forementioned how I’m “not really comfortable showing my body online,” which translates to “I’m not really comfortable showing how my actual body looks like online.” Because I shall not lie, I’m just a girl who runs an Instagram account that loves to post bikini pictures once the summer solstice rolls around.
Like any other workout challenge there is, I did my due diligence. I completed the challenge. However, I don’t think there were any changes at all, and if there were, it was very subtle.
Looking back at this video, now that I have better knowledge and understanding of weight loss (kinda) and working out, and all of that Gym Bros™ bazinga. I realise some of the mistakes I have made. Not just in this video, but overall, from when I was first trying to lose weight.
Before I start talking about my experience, I want to preface by saying that I am by no means trying to dictate to anybody what to do with their own body. If you want to lose weight, go ahead! And if you don’t then, good for you! I’m just here to share my experience with weight loss, why I decided to lose it, why it took me quite a while to lose it, and the difficulties that I had to overcome.
I was not at all a “big” kid. Nor was I “small.” I was pretty average, I think. I like to believe that I wasn’t too worried about my or anyone’s body for that matter. I was more worried about not being “white enough” for One Direction, butttttttttt… That’s a topic for another conversation.
The talk about food, body image, and weight loss only ever came in from the very anxiety-ridden state of Visa applications, living temporarily in Manila for said application, and finally getting that Visa to move to the United Kingdom.
Being away from my family for quite a while, led me to find solace in other places like music, books, and especially food. I wasn’t used to living in a very busy, very big city like Manila. It was stressful. It was also fun because I got to indulge in amazing and mouth-watering dishes without my grandmother breathing down my neck.
It’s not every day I can have pasta, pizza, burgers, churros and strawberry milkshakes when I am back home. So I tried my very best to savour everything before it’s all gone. I was also given the freedom to choose whatever snack I wanted— yes, I was a massive snacker. I had Pringles, Piattos, Nova and whatever crisps there were. And I think that’s how I mostly put on weight.
I didn’t move a lot. Exercising wasn’t on my mind then, I thought it was something I never needed. Besides, I was out of school and in Manila for a month. So, P.E. and extracurricular activities were taken out of my habitual schedule. I was just wallowing in my dark room in a condo somewhere in Makati, while hopelessly hoping I get that Visa.
Hopefully, you have already forgiven me for that jumpscare of a god-forsaken butchered fringe (I’m terribly sorry). From my stay in Manila to my flight to the land of the iconic “I’m-not-an idiot-sandwich” Gordon Ramsay, I had continuously put on a lot of weight.
I was now away from a strict household and reunited with my mother, and being exposed to a new environment, a new culture and new food. Everything was easy to access, I could walk 5-minutes down the road and there was a Tesco, I could just grab an Oreo sandwich ice cream, a pack of Sour Patch Kids, and some cherry flavoured Dr Pepper if I was feeling like it.
I can now admit it was my weak sense of self-control. Or it could have also been the change of environment and maybe I was coping in some ways that I didn’t realise were starting to become a bit unhealthy. At one point, I became so greedy with food that I wouldn’t share, and as my dad loves to tell everyone, “She used to guard her food tout de suite.”
By mid-2017, I was already overweight. I’m 4’10 tall, and weighing 60kg is already considered overweight, but I didn’t know it then. It only hit me as soon as I read the number on the scale.
My mother was in the same boat as me, therefore, we tried to find ways to move. And that’s how we started fitness dance. Shoutout to The Fitness Marshall, honestly, if it wasn’t for him. I don’t think I’d be where I am now. However, we still weren’t being mindful of our food. Not until my mother stumbled upon, the one and holy grail, Herbalife.
By 2018, I have dropped 10kg. We also started going to the gym, but honestly, I was mainly doing a lot of cardio. I was doing fitness dance, I was on the treadmill, the stationary bicycle, and the eliptical. I rarely lifted weights, afraid that I was going to become “bulky.”
It was also around that time where I got into the world of K-Pop, and alongside it, was introduced to the very toxic beauty standards of K-Pop. Therefore, I was controlling and restricting my food. A LOT. And dropped 3kg more, but that wasn’t sustainable as I only gained it back. Eventually, I started to incorporate weights here and there, but never enough.
It’s a bit difficult to look back at photos of myself for comparison (except for the Chloe Ting video), because I’m posing in a lot of them. Creating that illusion that I’m “fit” or “toned.” Even though, I clearly wasn’t. I mean, I guess, it makes sense. You want to look good in front of the camera, especially if it’s going to be shared to everyone.
But between 2018-19, I was figuring out the workouts I like to do and what I think work for me. At that time, I was mainly doing a lot of cardio and a lot of dancing. And a little bit of Lily Sabri, and Chloe Ting here and there. We also had one of those at-home dumbbells we got from Amazon.
It was also around that time that I didn’t know much about engaging muscles, or didn’t really understand my way around it. I couldn’t tell if I was actually working them hard enough.
By 2020, the infamous world-striken COVID-19. It was around this time where we finally moved to a better gym, with better equipments. And I was doing a lot of dancing then and was also fully incorporating weights then.
Looking at the 2020/2021 comparison photo, it’s very clear that I wasn’t toned enough. It was by this time, where I was also being mindful with my food. I wasn’t eating that much carbs, but would still indulge here and there.
And by 2022, I finally moved to a student accommodation that had a gym facility, whereas, during my first year, I couldn’t access it because of— again, the pandemic. This is the time where I was finally opening up to different styles of exercise, like seriously. I was dabbling on a little Jazzercise. You know, those very high intense aerobic exercise in the 80s where they’re wearing bright leotards, pink shimmery tights and legwarmers? I tried some kick boxing, and I tried pilates.
Which, by the way, worked wonders on me. Not just physically, but also helped me understand the mind to body connection, it finally let me see the engagement of the abs and how that works. So, when I was doing weights, and pilates, altogether, it helped me toned up a little bit. But I wasn’t being mindful of my food.
Now, I wasn’t being unhealthy or eating takeaway all the time. What I meant was that, I wasn’t consuming enough protein as I should’ve, in order to tone up the flabby arms or abs or grow some bum.
Recently, I finally found what worked for me. (Key word: me.) Everyone’s body is different, therefore, some things might have worked for me, but will not for you.
I took out rice in my diet. (Not entirely, before all of you come typing away in my comments.) As a Filipino, I don’t think I can fully exclude rice out of my diet. I still do eat them, but not as often as I used to. I still eat bread, sometimes I have cereal or pancakes in the morning. Sometimes, I have pasta for dinner. The point is: I don’t have carbs all the time, every time, in comparison to how I used to.
To follow-up the first point, I basically eat a lot of meat. I think this is what they call a “carnivore diet.” So, I eat a lot of pork, chicken, salmon, but unlike the traditional carnivore diet, I also incorporate my veggies here and there. I have my avocados, tomatoes, carrots, broccolis and spinach.
As I mentioned earlier, I’m a massive snacker. How I tackled it is to basically have a fulfilling and satisfying meal. Something that would fill me up until the next meal I have. I admit, sometimes, it doesn’t work and I would have to succumb to my snacking tendencies. But instead of crisps, I’d have protein bars, easy-peeler oranges, and bananas. (Bananas are ON TOP, keeps you full, FOR REAL.)
I’m also a big fan of smoothie bowls. I love how I can put in my protein powder so I don’t lose my protein intake, and add my favourite fruits. Basically, I can be creative with it which is why I love it so much.
Moral lesson here though is that: All Things In Moderation.
As long as I have my protein, my fruits, and my meats in moderation. I’d be able to maintain what I have. Of course, I’m not going to sit here and say, I don’t give in to my cravings. I do, I’m only human.
I have times where I eat out with my boyfriend, sometimes my family and I have a cute little dinner at Soho. Or I have a night-out with friends and get shitfaced drink responsibly. Situations where I could control, but don’t necessarily have to. I don’t have to be miserable. I try not to be.
And in terms of exercising, what I found what’s best for me is doing a mix of cardio, weight lifting and pilates. It honestly did wonders for me, and it’s literally fun.
I do my dancing, sometimes I sign up for a HIIT class at gym. Sometimes, I do my mat pilates at home, sometimes I pick up a bar and do my RDLs.
I also don’t look at the number on the scale anymore, in fact, we threw them away. I only now base everything on progress photos. Sometimes, I regret not taking that much pictures then, but it’s a learning progress.
I am by no means perfect or have reached my goal, there’s still a long way to go, but I’m getting there. Surely and slowly, and that’s all that matters. I’m now trying to learn how some certain workouts can be redundant, especially glute workouts. At least, for me as I really want to get that goddamn shelf.1
This whole journey just shows that sometimes, it doesn’t take 8 months, or 2 months or 2 weeks to achieve what you want. It took me 7 freaking years to finally say that I’m happy with my body.
Yes, I still have moments where I feel awful about myself. There are times when I feel guilty about eating something or drinking something. It’s not really a stagnant progress, especially mentally. But it’s something I’m currently trying to improve on.
In fact, I feel like in every phase of my life, I will always continue to develop and become the better versions of myself.
A gluteal shelf, sometimes referred to as a “butt shelf” or “butt ledge” in casual conversation, is a term used to describe an exaggerated or prominent curvature of the buttocks.