you got the one thing that i want
why does her success feel like my failure?
There’s a line in Olivia Rodrigo’s lacy that goes, “You got the one thing that I want.” That one lyric has been stuck in my head recently, not because it’s a love song, but because it perfectly captures how I feel watching someone else live the dream I’ve been working to achieve for years.
Last night, I was scrolling on TikTok (as one does), and I came across a familiar face. She used to go to secondary school with me, we weren’t that close, but I did see her around. In the video, she was expressing her gratefulness for reaching one of the milestones in her life which was getting 17k followers on her page. She was sharing how she only started posting on TikTok early this year, which led me to stalk go through her page.
A beam of pride burst in my heart as I smiled to myself, watching her receive PR packages and collabs from brands she (and I also) love. She was slowly getting recognised outside— she got free dessert for her and her mum because the one serving her recognised who she was.
I was happy for her, as not only was she someone I know albeit not on a personal level, but we come from the same culture, and our parents literally worked together at some point. And it feels good, it’s like a representation of some kind. But I’m also not going to sit here and say I didn’t feel an uneasy feeling weighing in my gut.
That uneasy feeling is jealousy. It’s uneasy because I don’t like feeling this way. I understand that it’s clearly something she deserves. She’s gorgeous, creative, smart, funny, and talented. No wonder why she has gained a large amount of followers in a short amount of time.
I can’t help, but compare. I’ve been on this app before COVID, and I’ve been posting videos ever since. However, the primary reasons weren’t for getting collaborations, PR packages or having any followers at all. I was only posting for fun then. But in recent years, I noticed how much and how far it can get you. You can get invited to events, and you can receive packages for free from brands you love.
I don’t know. Seeing someone get that much after only being in the app for a couple of months as opposed to someone who’s been doing it for years, but not reaching half of what she had already achieved. It feels like my efforts were a waste, it makes me wonder whether what I’m doing is even worth doing.
I do understand that social media fosters comparisons, especially when growth is so visible and measurable, and how a large amount of follower count can sometimes mistakenly equate to talent or worth.
And I think what makes the salt rub deeper in the wound is that she is talented. (And the fact that my parents know her parents, and I just don’t want to look like a disappointment to literally everyone.)
After my very logical, very smart boyfriend consoled me, he said something that stuck with me. And that is, growth isn’t linear and doesn’t always reflect effort. There are instances like algorithms, luck, or specific niches that can amplify growth.
And like Olivia’s song, it’s not really about her. It’s about me— and my insecurities, my impatience, my desire to feel seen and validated in a space that doesn’t reward effort in equal measure. It’s not her fault, but it’s also very hard not to feel a sense of inadequacy.
In the end, maybe envy isn’t a bad thing. As Olivia puts it, “Smart, alluring, but so confusing.” It reminds me that I care deeply about what I do, and that’s what I need to focus on.
