sex and the toxic city: why carrie and big are the worst
and how the relationship glamorised dysfunction
I remember when I was talking to this one guy, and it basically caused me so much stress. I would cry nightly, and would rant about him on my Finsta. There are days when it’ll be okay, and that’s usually when he’ll be attentive and talk to me a lot. (Usually, when he’s hot and bothered, if you get me.) And I’d rant about that to my Finsta, too.
TLDR; it was the worst, period. And I can’t imagine how much worse it was for my friends then, having to hear me vent about this dude like a broken record.
I remember one of my friends told me then that I was so ‘Carrie Bradshaw’ coded. I’ve only seen the movies and have seen clips of episodes here and there. So, I never really knew the entirety of Carrie and Mr Big’s disarrayed relationship. In retrospect, I always took that as a compliment. (I mean, I still do because… Who wouldn’t wanna be the IT Girl, ‘girlblogging’ in New York, and having Cosmos with the gals? Just minus Mr Big because he’s out!)
But after finally sitting down and watching the first few seasons of Sex and the City, I finally noticed how toxic their relationship was. However, I was a bit bewildered because there are some people who love them together and romanticise the relationship they have, which, for a moment, led me to think that maybe their relationship wasn’t that bad. (It was, in fact, the worst.)
This is one of the instances that Big’s actions suggest he’s not entirely over Carrie, yet he’s unwilling to commit to her. (Which reminded me of that same guy who wouldn’t leave me alone after he just told me that he “wasn’t ready for a relationship” but questions whether I’m already talking to another guy. Like it’s any of his business at all?). This reinforces the toxic cycle of inserting himself into Carrie’s romantic life whilst, BY THE WAY, being engaged to someone else. To sabotaging her potential relationships, to his unspoken disproval of her new connections, and keeping her emotionally tethered while he explores other relationships.
But Carrie is also responsible for this, instead of addressing Big’s behaviour or setting boundaries, she continues to engage with him, which allows the toxic dynamic to persist.
Mr Big’s Emotional Unavailability
Season 1, Episode 12: O Come All Ye Faithful
Carrie realises that Big has been keeping her at arm’s length. He doesn’t introduce her to his mother, even though they’ve been dating for months. This sets the tone for Big’s pattern of withholding emotional intimacy, making Carrie feel undervalued and insecure.
Big’s Commitment Issues
Literally throughout Season 1
Carrie is frequently anxious about Big’s feelings and commitment, often seeking validation from him. This creates an imbalance in their relationship where Carrie is always trying to earn Big’s love and approval, despite him giving very little in return.
His Hot-n-Cold Behaviour (this is not a Katy Perry song, get over it.)
Season 3, Episodes 8-9: The Big Time and Easy Come, Easy Go
Even after Carrie moves on and starts a relationship with Aidan, Big manipulates her emotions. He tells her he made a mistake letting her go and pursues her, leading to an affair. This proves he wants her when he can’t have her but doesn’t commit when given the chance.
Carrie and Big’s Affair
Season 3, Episode 10: All Or Nothing
Carrie cheats on Aidan with Big, showing her inability to let go of their toxic cycle. The affair not only hurts Aidan but also highlights how Carrie and Big bring out the worst in each other, prioritising their selfish desires over ethical decisions. She literally confesses to her friends, saying that how Big treated her is how she treated Aidan. (Taking him for granted, being dishonest, and literally CHEATING.)
Big’s Lack of Respect for Carrie’s Needs
Season 6, Episode 20: An American Dream Girl in Paris, Part Deux
Big shows up in Paris at the last minute to “rescue” Carrie from an unhappy relationship. While it seems romantic, it’s emblematic of their relationship: Big only steps up when Carrie is completely worn down, not when she asks for or needs support earlier.
Their “relationship” clearly shows signs of how problematic it is. There’s an imbalance of power, where Big often has the upper hand, leaving Carrie chasing after him. Instances like not letting Carrie have a key to his place, this sets the tone for how Big can decide when and how Carrie gets access to him. And despite the years together, their issues remain unresolved, and they fall back into the same destructive patterns. (Big’s commitment issues and wandering eyes, Carrie’s determination to “fix him.”). And lastly, the show frames their relationship as the ultimate love story, which sends a harmful message that passion and drama outweigh stability and mutual respect.
Which I’m going to address in this next part.
⟡ ݁₊ .The Glamorisation of Big and Carrie’s Relationship ⋆˙⟡
Mr Big = Mr Right
Season 1, Episode 1: Sex and the City
The show frames Mr. Big as a desirable, successful, charming man—the quintessential “catch.” And despite his emotional unavailability and commitment issues, he’s presented as the ideal partner Carrie should aspire to win over. For instance, literally in the first episode of Season 1, he was described as a “suave, larger-than-life figure who ‘knows all the models’.” His charisma overshadows his red flags, such as his reluctance to commit or open up emotionally.
The “Meant to Be” Trope
Season 2, Episode 18: Ex and the City
Throughout the series, Carrie and Big’s relationship is framed as a grand, inevitable love story. Despite their repeated breakups and toxic patterns, the narrative positions them as soulmates destined to end up together. Like after Big marries Natasha, Carrie and her friends compare her and Big to the star-crossed lovers in The Way We Were. Carrie insists their love was “real,” despite the pain he caused. This perpetuates the idea that enduring emotional turmoil is a necessary part of true love.
Friends’ Mixed Reactions
Carrie’s friends frequently voice concerns about Big’s behaviour but ultimately support her decisions, which validates the relationship despite its toxicity.
Season 4, Episode 8: My Motherboard, My Self
So after Big calls Carrie in the middle of the night during a vulnerable moment, Miranda expresses frustration over his inconsistency: “He’s like the Big Mac of men. You know it’s bad for you, but you keep going back for more.” (And that’s on PERIODDDD!!!!
Season 6, Episode 20: An American Girl in Paris, Part Deux
Another example is when after years of warning Carrie about Big, Charlotte tearfully says, “Go get our girl,” encouraging him to win her back. This moment reframes him as her saviour, ignoring the emotional harm he caused.
Now, yes, Mr Big is problematic and toxic, but Carrie is also perpetuating the unhealthy dynamic between them.
The toxic cycle is being perpetuated by continually allowing Big to dictate the terms of their relationship, even when those terms leave her feeling undervalued. Despite knowing that Big keeps her at arm’s length emotionally, she repeatedly seeks his validation and prioritises his needs over her own. For example, when Big gets out of the taxi, Carrie could have chosen to ignore him and walk away to preserve her emotional well-being. Instead, she stops to engage with him, which gives him another opportunity to disrupt her progress in moving on. By repeatedly letting him back into her life, even in moments where she is clearly hurt, Carrie enables the push-pull pattern they’ve developed.
And every time Carrie confronts him, it’s not just to set boundaries, but also to seek answers and validation from him. While understandable, this keeps her emotionally tethered to him and gives him continued power over her feelings.
Carrie also often views her relationship with Big through rose-coloured glasses, framing his sporadic attention as a sign of deep love instead of manipulation. Her emotional reaction shows she’s holding onto the idea that their connection is somehow special or worth fighting for, despite the pain he’s caused her.
Now, while Big’s actions are unquestionably toxic, Carrie also has agency in how she responds. She often blames him for her inability to move on, yet she continues to place herself in situations where she interacts with him or lets him back into her life. This co-dependency perpetuates their cycle also, and even though she claims she’s trying to move on, their scenes together reflect a lingering hope that he’ll explain himself, validate her, or even fight for her. This hope is what keeps her tethered to him, emotionally and mentally.
Carrie and Big’s relationship isn’t toxic because one person is solely at fault—it’s the dynamic they’ve created together. Big disrupts her life, but Carrie allows him to, and her inability to fully detach emotionally keeps the cycle going.
Although their relationship is very iconic within pop culture, it serves as a cautionary tale about the dangers of glamorising toxic dynamics. Their on-again, off-again romance is marked by power imbalances, emotional unavailability, and a lack of mutual respect that leaves Carrie constantly chasing after Big’s love and approval. While their connection is undeniable, it comes at the expense of Carrie’s emotional well-being, with Big repeatedly pulling her in and pushing her away on his terms. This dynamic not only highlights the flaws in their relationship but also sheds light on Carrie’s role in perpetuating the cycle by failing to enforce boundaries and allowing Big’s behaviour to dictate her self-worth.
Though their story is often romanticised, it’s a reminder that true love should feel safe, supportive, and balanced—not like a constant struggle to prove your worth.
Ultimately, Carrie and Big’s relationship is a reflection of what happens when passion is mistaken for love, and it encourages us to rethink what we should truly seek in a partnership.
help i feel so called out cause i’m in a carrie bradshaw like relationship right now 🫢🫢